Citizen by Conception

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

IN THE HALL OF A THOUSAND TRUTHS
Miniature №15
CITIZEN BY CONCEPTION

Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin. Russian President Vladimir Putin is speaking at a closed-door meeting with the heads of law enforcement agencies and the presidential administration.

Putin:
— Comrades! I must report with regret that the measures we are taking to reduce the number of abortions are not working. Not at all.
We can force medical clinics to give up their abortion licenses. We can oblige a woman to undergo counseling with a psychologist before an abortion. We can demand written consent for an abortion from the father of the embryo. We can unleash our priests upon women with promises of hell and eternal torment. Heck, even a horned devil! It is useless. You cannot break a Russian woman with these half-measures. If our woman has decided to have an abortion, she will have it. As a last resort, she will find a witch-hag with iron hooks and a kitchen knife. And without anesthesia, in unsanitary conditions, she will get rid of the child. And, most likely, she will catch an infection herself and die of sepsis. For us, this is unacceptable. For us, this is a double loss.

This is a dead end, comrades. And to get out of it, we need a fundamentally different solution. Non-trivial. Paradoxical. Beyond the bounds of generally accepted norms. A total mind-blower.
Here is what I think about this. In order to protect our soldiers — I mean, I wanted to say: embryos — we must extend the jurisdiction of our criminal code onto them. Currently, everyone and their brother is discussing the topic of human rights. But nobody asks the question: why, exactly, are embryos completely deprived of all these rights?

Well, suppose an embryo does not require freedom of speech. But the right to life is a basic right of any human being and citizen.
Can we consider an embryo a human being? Unfortunately, no. But we can make it a citizen of Russia! Show me the definition of a citizen! Who said it must necessarily be a human being, with arms and legs?
Look at our heroes of the Special Military Operation! Many return without arms, without legs, and their capacity for independent thinking, thank God, is also minimized — the state thinks for them. But do they cease to be citizens because of this? No! The embryo, in this regard, is an ideal subject: it doesn't have any extra thoughts either, it is loyal to the vertical from the very beginning!

This is a breakthrough of cosmic proportions, comrades! This is a metaphysical bridge into our happy demographic future. All that remains for us to do is to amend the law on citizenship and stipulate in the constitution that a citizen can be not only a human being (by birth), but also an embryo (by conception).
And then, as soon as an embryo is conceived in the womb, it immediately finds itself under the protection of the criminal code. Just like any other citizen. Any disrespect, infliction of harm, or, even more so, the murder of an embryo shall be punished as severely as crimes against young children.

Naturally, we will require an effective system of control and monitoring. I order the development, in the shortest possible time, of a microchip that we will implant into every womb possessing reproductive function. So that law enforcement agencies have the ability to effectively track the emergence of new embryos and promptly register them with the state.
As soon as the fact of conception is established, the embryo immediately receives Russian citizenship. And a passport with an authentic picture taken with an ultrasound machine. The embryo is assigned the name "EM-Putin" with a serial number. For example: EM-Putin-30964. After the child is born, the parents will be able to give it another name. Or they can keep the name "Putin". A great name, I think. The diminished form is just lovely: Putya.

And what's more — whether the parents want it or not — I automatically become the godfather of all embryos. Just think about it — I will have a whole army of godsons! This is a big responsibility.

Nikolai Patrushev, aide to the Russian President:
— I know these women. They will surely travel to America to give birth. So that the infant receives the citizenship of some Argentina or Brazil. Just try drafting someone like that into military service!

Putin:
— Birth tourism is a misuse of a strategic demographic resource. For this case, we have a special protocol: no border crossing! From the moment the embryo is entered into the state registry, the womb is declared a temporarily restricted-from-travel guardian of state property. Her foreign passport will be stored in the district department of the FSB until the very moment of birth. If, despite the ban, a woman manages to leave Russia, she is added to the list of foreign agents and extremists. And we file a request to Interpol for the extradition of the fugitive womb on the grounds of the illegal kidnapping of a Russian citizen by a group of persons by prior conspiracy. For demographic sabotage, the Russian property of birth-refusing cosmopolitans will be confiscated in favor of the state.
I order to proceed immediately to implementation. And keep in mind: this startup will be under my personal control!
Thank you for your attention!

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism