Putin 2. 0. Spiral of Self-Destruction

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666.
THE GRAND ALBUM OF SATIRICAL MINIATURES

Miniature №60
PUTIN 2.0: SPIRAL OF SELF-DESTRUCTION

SCENE 1
Russia. A restaurant on the outskirts of Moscow. At a distant corner table, two influential Kremlin officials — Mikhail M. and Sergey S.

Mikhail:
— So, what’s the news?

Sergey (gloomily):
— Total disaster at the front. The offensive has stalled. I think the front line is about to collapse soon. They have the technological edge; we have too much territory. Everyone knows this is the end.

Mikhail:
— Everyone except the Grandpa. This so-called strategist dug his heels in and won't stop until this entire house of cards collapses on our heads.

Sergey:
— Agreed, the Grandpa has become toxic. But what can we do? He has ten layers of personal security, and we are all under total FSB control. Any attempt is doomed to fail.

Mikhail:
— It’s funny: according to Lenin, a revolutionary situation is right here — the lower classes don't want to live the old way, and the upper classes can't rule the old way… Yet there is no revolution in sight.

Sergey:
— Well, the lower classes are waking up. People have stopped fearing him. Just look at what they’re writing about him online! Today I stumbled upon an incredibly bold text. Here, read this!

(Sergey shows Mikhail the miniature "Putin 2.0: Spiral of History".)
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PUTIN 2.0: SPIRAL OF HISTORY

Exhibit at Museum of Historical Parallels. On wall — three official portraits:
• Tsar Nicholas II — “Nicholas II”
• Grigori Rasputin — “Ras-Putin"
• Vladimir Putin — “V. Putin"

Ras-Putin = Putin I (Proto-Putin)
V. Putin = Putin II (The Sequel)

CURATOR'S NOTE
History repeats itself: first as tragedy, then as farce. And now it has come full circle as a psycho-absurdist horror remake. Two different men, one ominous name — the eternal curse of the Russian state. The finale, as always, unfolds through poison, violence, and palace coups.

Putin I (Version 1.0 — Grigori Rasputin)
Finale: Cyanide, bullet to the head. (1916)
Status: DISCONTINUED

Putin II (Version 2.0 — Vladimir Putin)
Finale (Under Development — Beta Preview):
• 10% — Snuffbox Special (Historical Edition)
• 10% — Silken Scarf (Classic Strangulation)
• 40% — Novichok (Modern & Lethal)
• 40% — Induced Heart Attack (Disguised Option)
Scheduled Release: 202X

HISTORICAL NOTE
• Snuffbox — Emperor Paul I of Russia was killed in 1801: strangled, but the first blow was delivered with a snuffbox.
• Scarf — Stalin allegedly used a scarf in the killing of his security chief Nikolai Yezhov; “death by scarf” became a symbol of Kremlin strangulations.
• Novichok — a military-grade nerve agent developed in the USSR, used in notorious poisonings such as those of Sergei Skripal and Alexei Navalny.
• Induced Heart Attack — Zero Attribution Protocol.
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Mikhail:
— Olga Shcheglova… I’ve never heard that name before. But this is brilliant! Olga hit the bullseye! Only Grigory Rasputin was taken out in time, but this one managed to mess things up so badly that it will take us a century to clean up his mess.

Sergey:
— The author has other miniatures, analytics, and investigations. About COVID-19, about Navalny. Killer criticism. Scandalous exposures. I’ll give you the link. You can read all these via VPN.

Mikhail (excitedly):
— Excellent! Give me the link. I think I know exactly how we can use it…

SCENE 2
Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin. In the office at the desk: Russian President Vladimir Putin and Kremlin official Mikhail M.

Putin (annoyed):
— What is this urgent matter? Speak up.

Mikhail:
— Vile texts about you are being circulated on the internet. See for yourself!

(Mikhail inserts a flash drive into the port on the TV panel, and the miniature "Putin 2.0: Spiral of History" appears on the screen.)

Putin (with vexation):
— Why are you showing me this? Pass it to the prosecutor's office, let them deal with it.

Mikhail (firmly):
— No, you must read this. The text is a fatal threat to your approval rating.

(Putin reads the miniature; his face first drops in surprise, then distorts with rage and naked horror.)

Putin (in a shrill voice, rushing and stammering):
— This is a lie, nonsense, insinuation… I am Putin the First. I am the one and only. I am unique. What does Rasputin have to do with it? These are just letters, a mere coincidence. To compare me to that mad monk?! To call me "Putin II"?! To call me "the sequel", "version 2.0"?! To predict a conspiracy, a palace coup against me?! Not later than 2029?! How dare you?! Who wrote this? What scoundrel came up with this?

Mikhail (with feigned sympathy):
— Oh, it’s just… some foolish old woman. Don't worry about it — people write all kinds of things.

Putin (frantically):
— Kill her! Immediately! That's an order!

Mikhail (with feigned zeal):
— Of course. The boys are already on it.

Putin (wailing miserably, looking at the image on the TV):
— They put me in a museum like an exhibit… Like some Egyptian mummy. They wrote me off, threw me into the dustbin of history! And on top of that they put some ridiculous side cap on my head!

(Pause: Putin looks imploringly at Mikhail, expecting support and words of comfort. Mikhail nods in agreement with exaggerated haste.)

Putin (with trepidation):
— Who else besides you has read this… lampoon? And how are my subordinates reacting to it?

Mikhail (lowering his voice):
— Most are reacting adequately. But there are those who laugh…

Putin (hysterically):
— Compile a list of those who showed disrespect to the President! I want it on my desk tomorrow morning!

Mikhail:
— Absolutely.

Putin (humiliated, looking away):
— And don't show this to anyone…

Mikhail:
— But this is a litmus test. With its help, we will identify all the disloyal ones.

Putin (dejectedly):
— Fine, identify them. And lock them all up. Just frame them under corruption charges. I don't want…

(Pause.)

Putin (excitedly):
— And call the chief of security to me. We need to urgently tighten security protocols. Inside the Kremlin — radios only, let them leave mobile phones at home. Transport — authorized, vetted vehicles only. Clothing — work overalls. No pockets, no lapels, no cuffs. Checked along the seams and disinfected every day. Shoes! What are we going to do about shoes? They could smuggle god knows what in their boots! And shave everyone into a short buzz cut — I will tolerate no long locks in the Kremlin!

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism