Operation Green Crocodile

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666. THE GRAND ALBUM OF SATIRICAL MINIATURES

Miniature №65
OPERATION "GREEN CROCODILE"

BACKGROUND:
In the Russian city of Tyumen, sales of the antiseptic green dye and iodine have been unofficially restricted during the State Duma elections. This measure aims to prevent a repeat of previous incidents where voters poured green antiseptic into ballot boxes to ruin the ballots.


OPERATION "GREEN CROCODILE"
Russian city. Pharmacy. Behind counter — young pharmacist, Lenochka. Grim police major in plain clothes strides into the pharmacy with a determined gait.

MAJOR (businesslike, surveying the shelves of medicines):
— All right, missy. Calm down, no panic. I'm from Homeland Security. We're carrying out preventive measures to protect the constitutional order. Special operation "Green Crocodile."

LENOCHKA (turning pale):
— Oh… What happened? Everything here is fresh, we have all the licenses, and we don't dispense narcotics without a prescription!

MAJOR (sternly):
— Narcotics are nothing. We've got bigger problems to deal with. Terrorists are advancing on every front. So, where do you keep the shelf with the antiseptic green dye and iodine?

LENOCHKA (in a trembling voice, pointing to the bottom shelf):
— R-right here… Three dollars a bottle…

MAJOR (grabbing his holster, stepping back):
— Just look at all this extremist material! Out in plain sight! And practically given away! This is sabotage! Financing terrorism. I hereby order the price of brilliant green and iodine raised fiftyfold! We'll hit these scumbags where it hurts — in the wallet!

LENOCHKA (surprised):
— What scumbags?

MAJOR:
— The ones who like dyeing ballots right in the ballot box.

LENOCHKA (bewildered):
— I don't understand. What ballots? What ballot boxes?

MAJOR (nastily):
— Election ballots, what else? Did you fall off the Moon or something? Tomorrow's election day.

LENOCHKA (indifferently):
— Oh, that...

MAJOR:
— Yes, that. And these bottles are to be sold strictly by prescription. That's an order. Disobey the police and it's a firing squad.

LENOCHKA (turning pale):
— A firing squad?! But you used to just send people to jail...

MAJOR (leaning over the counter, confidentially):
— It's a temporary measure. As soon as they finish building fifty new prisons, we'll go back to locking people up. But for now, there’s nowhere to put you — we’re all packed.

LENOCHKA (hysterically):
— Good Lord, just take it all away, before it's too late! I'll cover the shortfall out of my own salary!

MAJOR (pounding his fist on the counter):
— Listen up for my orders! The iodine and the brilliant green stay. But you demand a passport from every buyer. Make a photocopy and send it to my department. Task clear?

LENOCHKA (nodding vigorously):
— Task clear.

(Pause.)

LENOCHKA (timidly):
— But couldn't they just go to a hardware store instead of a pharmacy? They sell real paint there. And cement. And plaster. Aren't you worried the voters might simply cement all your ballot boxes shut, ballots and all? Or toss in a lit match?

MAJOR (at a loss):
— Damn it, why didn't I think of that... We need to warn headquarters immediately. Raids on every hardware store...

LENOCHKA (biting back a smile):
— Ketchup would work just fine too...

MAJOR (hunted):
— Ketchup? Ban it. Vodka — confiscate it. Milk, kefir, juices...

LENOCHKA (barely holding back laughter):
— One bottle of tap water would be more than enough to spoil a hundred ballots...

MAJOR (in a frenzy):
— Oh, so that's how it is! Lock everyone in their homes! And no one goes out until the commission has counted the very last ballot!

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism