US Smart Toilet, Part 2

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

ІІ. US SMART TOILET: THE RUSSIAN ADAPTATION

Under no circumstances will a Russian man tolerate the predatory exploitation of his gastrointestinal tract — especially by the sharks of American imperialism. No one can strip him of his fundamental right to catch up on world politics and read the Leader's keynote speeches in peaceful seclusion, accompanied by the gentle murmur of the flush tank.

The American toilet may be smart, but the Russian man is cunning. He walks right in with a pocket-sized EW (Electronic Warfare) jammer, completely fries the patented American artificial intelligence, and takes his sweet time reading the "Pravda" newspaper from cover to cover. There, under the quiet hum of neutralized tech, he reflects on the undeniable superiority of traditional Russian values over American gadgets.

Naturally, a Russian man would never pass up a chance to use any available platform to broadcast those values. And so, instead of a countdown, the wall-mounted speakers hysterically blast "Crimea is ours!" across the whole of New York.

When the external digital screen panics and flashes the alert: "Warning! Hybrid warfare attack detected on critical infrastructure!", the Russian visitor, filled with a sense of deep satisfaction, wipes his smart ass and sharpens a marker to scrawl a deeply offensive word on the wall, dedicated entirely to the creators of the American miracle.

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism