Saboteurs in the Raspberry Patch

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

SOVEREIGN APOCRYPHA

SABOTEURS IN THE RASPBERRY PATCH

Characters:

* Ivan Petrovich — Head of the District Nature Oversight Bureau. Exhausted, dreaming of retirement, drowning in moose population reports.
* Captain Korshunov — State Security officer. Sharp suit, stone face, holding a binder stamped "Top Secret".

(The Nature Oversight office. Ivan Petrovich is frantically signing papers. The door flies open without a knock. Korshunov enters, quietly closes the door behind him, and sits opposite Ivan Petrovich).

Ivan Petrovich (without looking up):
— If this is about the trash cans near the village, take it to the mayor! We issued the warning. The bears only come because of the garbage dump, and I don't even have the budget for gas to send out the rangers…

Korshunov (quietly):
— Forget the trash cans, Ivan Petrovich. This is much bigger. We've picked up a trail.

Ivan Petrovich (sighs):
— Whose? Another rogue bear? We'll shoot it, just let me clear the paperwork for the ammo…

Korshunov (leaning forward):
— Not a rogue bear, Ivan Petrovich. An agent. Codename — "Bruno."

Ivan Petrovich (annoyed):
— What "Bruno"?

Korshunov (opens the binder):
— From the intelligence brief. Yesterday, in the Kyakhta district, a bruin stripped a raspberry patch bare on the property of a war veteran. Coincidence, you think? What if I told you the raspberries were the "Patriot" variety? That is pure ideological sabotage. We have received intel: the Ukrainian Secret Service has pivoted to zoological warfare. Project "Den-2026."

Ivan Petrovich (blinking in disbelief):
— Captain… Are you pulling my leg? Bears? From over there? They can't cross the border, they don't have papers!

Korshunov (coldly):
— They don't need papers. They move through the forests using GLONASS coordinates… well, GPS, to be exact. We know for a fact that secret training camps have been established in the Carpathians. They train them to ignore flashbangs, locate weapons caches, and use garbage dumps as cover. Like, as an excuse for raiding villages.

Ivan Petrovich (waving his hands, trying to grasp at any remaining logic):
— With respect, Captain… The Carpathians are thousands of miles from Siberia! How would they even get here?

Korshunov (smiles condescendingly):
— Well, first of all, Ivan Petrovich, an adult bear clocks speeds of up to 30 miles per hour. It tears through swamps, deadwood, and mountain rivers with ease. It's essentially a high-speed, all-terrain tank! Checkpoints mean nothing to them. And secondly — and most importantly — they are trained in highly effective recruitment techniques on the ground. A single trained agent can mobilize at least a hundred of our local Siberian bears in a week. Honestly, our human agents could only dream of that kind of KPI!

Ivan Petrovich (holding his head):
— Good God… So our local ones… they've turned too? Sworn allegiance?

Korshunov (nods sternly):
— Precisely. They are trampling the raspberries on direct orders now.

Ivan Petrovich (clutching his heart):
— But how? They can't talk! How do they pass orders?

Korshunov:
— Simple. The command structure — the ones from the Carpathians — are all microchipped. They are handled via satellite. As for whatever bear dialect they use to communicate with the locals, that's irrelevant. The bottom line is recruitment is booming. Dollar for dollar, the Ukrainian bear mobilization is far more cost-effective than the Russian military contract drive.

Ivan Petrovich:
— Well, that explains why they've been completely off the rails this year…

Korshunov (suddenly snapping into a sharp, menacing tone):
— Which brings me to you, Ivan Petrovich. Why did your bureau write off five tons of confiscated bootleg honey three months ago?

Ivan Petrovich (turning pale):
— It… it went bad! It fermented! We filed a formal disposal report…

Korshunov (slams his hand on the desk):
— Fermented?! You supplied a hostile combat unit with alcohol-based stimulants! Do you have any idea how much more dangerous a three-hundred-kilo saboteur is when he's drunk? This is high treason, Ivan Petrovich! Undermining national defense by turning our own flora and fauna into a weapon against us!

Ivan Petrovich (slowly sliding out of his chair):
— I didn't know… I thought they were just starving because the cedar nut harvest failed this year…

(Korshunov scribbles in his notepad: "The suspect attempted to shift blame onto the Siberian cedar tree with the intent to mislead investigators.")

Korshunov:
— Stand up, suspect. We're going to inspect your dens for unregistered radio equipment and improvised explosive devices.

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism