Dinner at the Military Elite

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

WARD №666. THE GRAND ALBUM OF SATIRICAL MINIATURES

Miniature №62
DINNER AT THE "MILITARY ELITE"

The dining room of the "Military Elite" restaurant. The interior is designed in "bunker-chic" style: chandeliers shaped like drone tail fins, and napkins printed with General Staff operational maps.

CHARACTERS:
* Waiter — a middle-aged man with the manners of a French aristocrat, impeccable military posture, and a faint aroma of gunpowder. Over his olive-drab general's tunic, he wears a crisp, snow-white apron. His collar bears an emblem of a crossed fork and tactical knife.
* Visitor — a dignified gentleman in a premium suit, carefully studying the restaurant's menu.

WAITER (with a slight bow):
— Good evening, sir. Welcome to our Fire-mess hall, as we jokingly call it. Our kitchen operates today at exclusively high velocities and on solid fuel. The Head Chef has prepared a special "Ballistic Menu" for you. May I present it?

VISITOR (flipping through a heavy leather folder):
— Yes, please. (Pause.) You certainly have quite a selection here — it's almost overwhelming. And everything looks so… explosive. What would you recommend to start with? Something light, to get things started…

WAITER:
— Oh, for a light start, I highly recommend our classic line of rapid-response appetizers. Take a look at the "FP-1" — our basic, time-tested compliment from the chef, served piping hot directly into the window of the enemy's command post. If you prefer a more rigorous German classic, consider the "RZ-100." But keep in mind: it leaves a very painful, penetrating aftertaste.

VISITOR:
— Hmm, and what is this — "MICH-2000"? Sounds like the name of an American combat helmet.

WAITER (with a polite chuckle):
— Helmets are last century, sir! Our "MICH-2000" is a dish for those who appreciate reliable coverage — it literally envelops enemy positions. But if you're looking for authentic local cuisine with a spark, pay attention to our absolute bestseller — the rocket-drone shot "Palianytsia."

VISITOR:
— Ah, people talk about that one a lot. What's the secret?

WAITER:
— The secret lies in its unique pronunciation and unpredictable delivery! Foreign guests often twist their tongues on it, while our adversaries break their teeth. It's served to the accompaniment of a turbojet whistle. We strongly recommend pairing it with our "Vendetta" dessert.

VISITOR:
— "Vendetta"? As in the Italian word for blood feud?

WAITER:
— Exactly, sir. Served chilled. And naturally, with home delivery. An excellent conceptual dish, highly requested by clients with long-term memory. For those who like it extra hot, we also feature the "Liutyi" — "Fierce." The name speaks for itself: the Head Chef adds so much TNT that it pops the eardrums of neighbors three blocks away.

VISITOR (rubbing his chin):
— A serious menu indeed. And what do you have in the animalistic series? I see a whole zoo here — "Bars," "Flamingo," "Pelican"…

WAITER:
— A magnificent choice! The "Bars" is ideal for a swift, predatory raid on the rear. The "Flamingo" is a delicate dish — it flies beautifully, lighting up the night sky over an oil depot with a rosy glow. And we also have the "Sychen" — our seasonal January offering: frosty, piercing, with a light hint of trench dampness.

VISITOR:
— And this "Pelican" — what kind of bird is it? It says here: rare, from the "FP-7" family.

WAITER (respectfully pressing a hand to his heart):
— Oh-h-h, the "Pelican" is our heavyweight from the Fire Point brand. A bird of high flight and immense capacity. Its "beak" holds so many surprises for enemy infrastructure that a single visit from this bird is enough to shut down the entire energy question in a small enemy town. An exclusive Ukrainian development, sir. Pure haute couture of the defense industry.

VISITOR:
— A surprisingly rich menu…

WAITER (nodding in agreement):
— And please note, sir: everything is strictly fresh — absolutely no expired goods. Our clients are incredibly satisfied. Not a single complaint in four years!

VISITOR:
— Very well. Give me a "Palianytsia" and a "Liutyi," and wrap up one "Pelican" to go. And a slice of bread, if you please.

WAITER (sternly):
— "Palianytsia" is served whole only, sir! Whatever pieces remain, you're welcome to collect free of charge — after a successful strike.

[Palianytsia is a traditional round Ukrainian bread.]

VISITOR:
— I see… Bring it as it is, then.

WAITER (with a slight bow):
— An excellent choice, sir. Order accepted. Flight time: under ten minutes. We'd appreciate a positive review, sir.

(He marches off, keeping perfect step to the blaring sound of an air raid siren.)

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism