Dis-Justice

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

SOVEREIGN APOCRYPHA

DIS-JUSTICE

*A fictional reconstruction of a hearing at the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation on the lawsuit filed by the Rodina party against the Yabloko party (17 August 2026).*

JUDGE:
— The court is hearing a case concerning violations of campaign regulations and foreign funding. The Rodina party versus the Yabloko party. Do the parties trust the court?

YABLOKO (solemnly):
— We do! And we hope!

JUDGE:
— Plaintiff.

RODINA:
— Rodina will never forget you!

JUDGE:
— Plaintiff, state your claims.

RODINA (cheerfully):
— Remove Yabloko from the elections!

JUDGE:
— Plaintiff, present your arguments.

RODINA:
— They violated copyright by using a photograph of Hiroshima. After the bombing.

JUDGE:
— Who owns the copyright?

RODINA:
— What difference does it make?

YABLOKO:
— The Pentagon. The copyright expired. Eighty-one years have passed. The photograph is in the public domain. Besides, nobody authorized you to defend someone else's rights.

RODINA:
— How can we stand aside
when such injustice is happening in the world?!

JUDGE:
— Plaintiff, do you have any other arguments?

RODINA:
— Of course! They used “May There Always Be Sunshine” without the author's permission!

JUDGE:
— Who owns the copyright?

RODINA:
— Lev Oshanin.

YABLOKO:
— Lev Oshanin has been dead for years. And he was not the author of this phrase. We request that documentary evidence disproving Oshanin's authorship be admitted into the case.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

YABLOKO:
— Then we request that written permission from Oshanin's heir, allowing Yabloko to use the lyrics of the song, be admitted as evidence.

RODINA (confidentially):
— Your Honor, we believe the signature on this document is forged.

JUDGE:
— A reasonable objection. Defendant, how can you prove the authenticity of the heir's signature?

YABLOKO:
— We can prove it. But we request postponing this issue until the next hearing, because the heir lives abroad.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

RODINA:
— Furthermore, they used the phrase “If only there were no war” from Alexander Volodin's play Five Evenings without permission.

YABLOKO:
— That phrase does not exist in the play. We request admission of three different editions of the play as evidence.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

RODINA:
— Furthermore, they used the symbol of the dove of peace in their logo without permission.

YABLOKO:
— We have permission! We request admission of the contract with the designer who created the image.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

RODINA:
— Furthermore, they used materials from the Levada Center without permission.

YABLOKO (with undisguised sarcasm):
— Are you claiming that we violated copyright?

RODINA:
— Yes.

YABLOKO:
— What is this claim based on?

RODINA:
— What, you didn't violate it?

YABLOKO:
— Where is the evidence?

RODINA:
— Read our lawsuit.

YABLOKO:
— But that is merely your personal opinion.

RODINA:
— Well yes. Whose else would it be?

YABLOKO:
— A party's opinion is not evidence.

RODINA:
— Why?

YABLOKO:
— Because it is a party's opinion.

RODINA:
— Our party has always been on the right side.

JUDGE:
— An important clarification.

YABLOKO:
— In what sense?

JUDGE:
— In the literal sense.

YABLOKO (hopelessly):
— We have written permission from the Levada Center. A document. We request that a copy be admitted as evidence.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

YABLOKO:
— On what grounds?

JUDGE:
— Read the Code.

YABLOKO:
— The Communist Builder's Code?

JUDGE:
— The Judicial Ethics Code.

YABLOKO:
— According to ethical standards, your duty as a judge is to ensure an objective examination of the case.

JUDGE:
— The court's opinion cannot be objective or non-objective. It is subjective by definition. You yourself declared that you trust the court.

YABLOKO:
— We request the judge's recusal.

JUDGE:
— Denied.

YABLOKO:
— But why?!

JUDGE:
— Because.

YABLOKO:
— But we have just requested your recusal!

JUDGE:
— Exactly. That is why it is denied. The court has lost confidence in you.

(A long pause.)

RODINA:
— Furthermore, they used an image generated by artificial intelligence without permission.

JUDGE:
— Who owns the copyright?

RODINA:
— OpenAI.

YABLOKO (furious):
— That is a lie. The company's rules clearly state that images belong to the user who provided the prompt. We request admission of a screenshot from the company's website.

JUDGE:
— Do not say "lie". Unless you want another lawsuit for defamation.

YABLOKO:
— It is an evaluative statement.

JUDGE:
— The court does not consider your statements. Only facts.

YABLOKO:
— But the court is obliged to hear both sides.

JUDGE:
— Of course.

YABLOKO:
— Then we request that our arguments be heard.

JUDGE:
— They have already been heard.

YABLOKO:
— When?

JUDGE:
— They were rejected.

YABLOKO:
— But we haven't even presented them!

JUDGE:
— Exactly.

(A very long pause.)

RODINA:
— Furthermore, they used foreign funding in their campaign. Sixteen thousand rubles! We even provided the court with a certificate from Financial Intelligence Agency.

YABLOKO:
— We have evidence that Rodina itself received foreign funding — three and a half million rubles!

RODINA:
— A lie! We draw the court's attention: the defendant is attempting to introduce fantasies into the case!

JUDGE (strictly):
— The court considers only facts.

YABLOKO:
— But to establish facts, evidence must be examined.

JUDGE:
— The evidence has been examined.

YABLOKO:
— Which evidence?

JUDGE:
— The evidence contained in the case file.

YABLOKO:
— And our evidence?

JUDGE:
— It is not contained in the case file.

YABLOKO:
— Why?

JUDGE:
— Because the court refused to admit it.

(A very, very long pause.)

YABLOKO (exhausted):
— Your Honor, if violations are grounds for removing a party from elections, this rule must apply equally to all parties.

JUDGE:
— Of course.

YABLOKO:
— Then all parties must be investigated.

JUDGE:
— Why?

YABLOKO:
— To ensure equality.

JUDGE:
— We do not have equality.

YABLOKO:
— Then what do we have?

JUDGE:
— An equation.

YABLOKO:
— An equation must have a solution.

JUDGE:
— It does.

YABLOKO:
— What is it?

JUDGE:
— Cancellation of Yabloko's registration.

(An unbearably long pause.)

YABLOKO (hurt and bitter):
— Your Honor, you rejected every single motion we filed!

JUDGE:
— Not at all! Your motion for a ten-minute recess was granted.

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism