The Big Fish With a Red Button

Olga Shcheglova (Boris Bidyaga)

IN THE HALL OF A THOUSAND TRUTHS

Miniature №17
THE BIG FISH WITH A RED BUTTON

Russia, Moscow, the Kremlin. Russian President Vladimir Putin is having an informal chat with schoolteachers.

First Teacher:
— Vladimir Vladimirovich, please tell us — what were the reasons for the Special Military Operation?

Putin:
— There weren't any particular reasons. Aside from demilitarization and denazification, of course. In truth, our SMO was predetermined by the laws of biology and evolutionary development. In any community — take the animal kingdom, for instance — relationships between its members are determined by status. The frog eats the mosquito, the polecat eats the frog, the fox eats the polecat, the wolf eats the fox, and so on. This social hierarchy is called the food chain. In human society we observe exactly the same picture. As the great Dutch painter Bosch aptly put it, "big fish eat little fish." That's the law of evolution. Nothing to be done about it.

First Teacher:
— So Russia is the bear, and Ukraine is... the polecat?

Putin:
— A different comparison comes to mind. We are the orca, and Ukraine is the polar bear. You should see how our orcas up North tear those polar bears apart! As if they were mice or something! They swarm in a pod — bam! — torn to pieces!

Second Teacher:
— But we've always been associated with the bear! That's our symbol!

Putin:
— The bear is becoming a thing of the past. Over these four years we've grown ten times stronger. Our symbol now is the great, ferocious, invincible orca.

Third Teacher:
— Vladimir Vladimirovich, why is it that when our army strikes a Ukrainian target, we're told it's a lawful act of war. But when Ukraine strikes the same kind of Russian target, it's classified as terrorism?

Putin (condescendingly):
— Well, let's look again at the animal kingdom. It's very simple. Every member of the community must behave according to its status. The wolf eats the hare, not the other way around. If the hare suddenly lost its mind and attacked the wolf, that would be a flagrant violation of the laws of nature! There's no other word for such behavior but terrorism. And it would be entirely natural for the wolf, in such a situation, to growl: "Just you wait, hare!" Remember that cartoon? Back in the day it was a real hit. Shame our kids these days are hooked on foreign nonsense like "Tom and Jerry."

Forth Teacher (whispering to his neighbor):
— Going by the logic of "Well, Just You Wait!" cartoon, we should expect a swift victory for Ukraine!

(The neighbor turns pale and, frightened, presses a finger to his lips.)

Putin:
— That's the whole point. Your status in the food chain dictates the rules of your behavior. It's not Ukraine's place, given its status, to bomb our biggest retailers' warehouses. Because Russia is the big fish, and Ukraine — the small one.

Third Teacher:
— But, forgive me, if we follow this analogy, aren't you afraid that somewhere in the world there might be a fish bigger than us? And then what?

Putin (with contempt):
— Yes, there is such a fish. But it doesn't scare me, because I have a Red Button.

First Teacher:
— But it has a Red Button too!

Putin:
— Yes, but everyone knows it will never press it, under any circumstances! And I will, and the whole world knows that too. So even though I'm smaller, I'm still stronger.

Second Teacher:
— And if Ukraine gets itself a Red Button?

Putin:
— Then we'll be friends with the Ukrainians. After all, we're brothers, aren't we?

Note:
"Well, Just You Wait!" is a beloved Soviet cartoon series (since 1969) in which the Wolf endlessly chases the Hare he wants to eat. On paper, the Wolf is a predator — bigger, "higher status," equipped with a motorcycle, gadgets, all sorts of schemes. But in every episode he ends up a bumbling failure: the Hare always gets away, through wit or sheer luck, leaving the Wolf humiliated. The irony is that Putin cites a cartoon that actually undercuts his own "status" and "food chain" metaphor — the formal predator is precisely the one who keeps losing to the cleverer underdog.

#OrthodoxMilitaryPutinism