Just some thoughts

The new life set in…
My life changed crucially after I had got my diploma and found myself here, in Moscow. I had never ever thought the life can be so different… The other people, strangers in the streets… they are so busy with their own affairs that can’t see anything around… To earn as much money as one can… whatever it is… cynicism and indifference – here are the real characteristics of this megapolis …and nothing more. You may fight with this at the beginning, but sooner or later with the coarse of time you will understand the truth – it is the useless struggle…

      I have always had a strong desire that everything that happens must happen… and a mortal human being can’t rewrite his fate. I was destined to come here. It is the reality, the world I used to live in left behind…Computer replaced all real interlocutors, dear to me people left in the other country, but there is still a hope in my heart that somebody needs me here as strong as my family needs me there…      

We met in the evening the week before New Year’s holiday. I went to that meeting just for fun. I just needed some rest. All my thoughts were about him – the man who stole my heart some months before. From that time I didn’t believe one could find something worthy by means of Internet. Being alone in this large city I hadn’t the easiest and shortest way than just to fill the form and wait for men’ messages. It really was the shortest way to strike up an acquaintance, especially if you have no friend to go out, have no money to visit some interesting places and work with elderly people. No prospects, no comments.

Our life is a very interesting thing indeed… Have you ever tried to find the answer to the mortal question: why we want to get only something inaccessible? We work hard, but still, have no opportunity of worthy living, we fight with the everyday circumstances, but they win, at last, we always fall in love with the wrong person… The same thing happened with me lately… I was sitting in the bar and couldn’t put out of my head these thoughts… Opposite was sitting the fellow I met the week before New Year’s holiday…We were drinking beer… I noticed the way he looked at me, but all my thoughts were about the other man. The man, whom I didn’t see for about three weeks, the man, who didn’t phone for about a week, the man who came only if he wanted to divert himself. And I was happy and grateful to him for those infrequent meetings; I would rather called them “occasional”. I understood that such relationship couldn’t be long lasting, but like a drowning man, who catches at a straw, I tried to persuade myself that I meant for him the same that he meant for me. And if he couldn’t find time to come and even to call me – he was very busy with his work, he worked hard, he made money. Money. I hate this word. It is the thing that makes people sleep badly, that makes relationships between people tense, that takes off all old friends and causes the last of having much more of it, and every day it becomes even much more stronger. And the reality is such that reach men are greedy, as a rule. They won’t invite their friends to dine out if they aren’t sure these friends are able to pay by themselves… But I loved this man and nothing else was disturbing my brain. I felt myself a programmed machine: “I love, I love, I love…” But was it really so? I tortured myself and all the people around me.
-- You’ve got beautiful eyes.
-- Sorry?
I was all in my thoughts, and even didn’t give my attention to the fellow opposite me. Telling the truth, I agreed to this meeting because I just wanted to forget him, the man I loved, to forget at least on a single minute… but… still, thought of him. I understood, I shouldn’t behave myself in such a way. If I wanted to forget, I must make attempts… It seemed to me I didn’t want. I was so stupid, maybe I am still so… And I had never ever pretended to be somewhat else. Life of everyone of us is unique and it is as it is. And we must take it for granted. Because life itself is the most precious gift and we must appreciate it.

two months later…
I didn’t love him. At the very moment it seems to me I understand what the love is… I have never ever loved anyone because I didn’t understand what the love was… What the love was FOR ME. I was too young and too foolish to understand it earlier. May be in the coarse of time I will make many other conclusions and the thought I’m going to depict is already known to many of us as the UNIVERSAL TRUTH, but still, I can’t keep silent.
     The thing is… very often we think only of ourselves, we are not able to understand another person. Very often we are not able to understand ourselves, not to mention the other person. When we meet each other between us appears interaction. Will it be positive or negative depends only on the two who met. And what about circumstances? What about fate? WHAT ABOUT US? Only morally weak  persons blame circumstances and fate, the persons who simply don’t want to think over and to analyze their own mistakes… Analyze? Very often they don’t see them at all. And I was blind as well. Some of us can find the cure, the majority- can’t. I write with the hope that the number of “some” will increase…