The last day before leaving Russia

I remember the last day before leaving Russia.               

There was a great deal to accomplish. I still did not tell my children that we were leaving Russia for good. It was a big secret, but I knew that the children sensed that something was going on in our life.               
 “We have decided to try to leave this country.” I said.  “Tomorrow we are going to be on a train that will take us to a different world. It may not be easy, we don’t know exactly….  But you should trust us, it’s a big secret.”  I was trying to explain the situation to them as simply as I could.               

“On a trip? It is wonderful! We don’t have to read any more summer books from school.”

Suddenly they said, “We have to say goodbye to our friends”.               

“Okay.” I said.  “Just say that you are moving to another city, and you will write them.  Sometimes you should not tell the complete truth.”               

Eugene and I also have many friends here. Some of them we told the truth, some of them we avoided seeing because we didn’t want to cause any trouble for them. 

The children went outside and I became frightened that they would tell the truth.
I tried to protect them as much as possible. They spent the summer at my mother’s place in Oshmana so we wouldn’t have to worry about them during the time when we were getting ready to leave.

We lived in a twilight zone. We were no longer fully part of the Soviet Union.
We were worried that our neighbors would learn our secret and clamor to have us tossed out on the street as traitors to the motherland.               
We were elated with our good fortune, So many things still had to be done and there was precious little time before the visas expired. We had to ship whatever furniture we could to the West, sell the rest, exchange the legally enforced maximum of 90 rubles each for the $120 we would be permitted to take with us, and buy a few matrushkas and other souvenirs we would try to sell in the West for extra money. We also said good-bye to all our friends, and prayed that OVIR wouldn't have a change of heart before we left.

Now, with all of that behind, I felt troubled packing our suitcases.               
 It probably hit me that this was it.               
I was leaving Russia.               
 The hamburgers still fried, the potatoes and eggs boiled in my kitchen. I still had to give the key to upravdom, the local authorities.               
 I went from one room to another, and went to a balcony to put breadcrumbs out for the birds.               
 They were making a nest at the corner of the balcony and I started thinking what would happen if the next tenants did not take care of them in a cold Russian winter.               
I felt so troubled and all of a sudden I started to sing praises of love to a country that I was determined to leave. The words and melody spontaneously came together as the song helped me find meaning in all of this.
               
Russia ,how much I hold you in me
Your Tatiana pleasant to me
Your Dostoevsky and Tolstoy
Your landscape, forests, lakes
It always will stay with me
The beauty of your land not possible to forget
Your songs and splendid music imprison me
You taught me to love all of that
I learned it well, but

My dreams today are not with you
I can no longer serve you
I belong to the land that’s over the sea
You only let me go.
               
 It was like fresh air to me.
My mind understood, but my heart started listening as the simple melody closed one chapter in my life and opened a window to another.

I have heard an expression that song is the language of the soul.
Indeed my soul began to feel content.