Дневник Сумасшедшего 1198

12627

10:31am.
I have a problem in the relationship with A. I wanna quit it. I need to admit the failure and move on. There is no reconciliation of our worldviews. I thought she would learn to understand what’s going on and adopt to it, but—
We’re together for more than three months, and there is almost no improvement in terms of mutual understanding. I turned myself into a contemptuous pet; yet there is no end to her nagging. No real talks, no interest in anything. She is so much preoccupied with her work and all these concerns about safety that can’t see anything that’s going on around. The great example of “smart work” in action. Perhaps, I lost her because I was too bloody “available.” Maybe I wanted this to happen. I feel damn good. There is a lot of energy and motivation to get things done, not just to show her “how stupid she was” or, you know, all these “prove them wrong,” etc. It was really exhausting to be around her without being able to say anything that really mattered because it could have hurt her feelings. I lost half of my routine, and, in terms of “moving forward or advancing in my fields,” 95% of the time I spent with her was pure luxury, not just useless, but positively degrading. She has formed a belief that I am someone who doesn’t care about anything, someone who lives above clouds in a fanciful metaphysical castle. Well, she confused part and the whole, overlooking everything that didn’t fit her model. Boy, how many words I wasted! All these principles like “not talking to anybody who has no ears to listen,” or “not wasting time on people who do not share certain values,” or “not giving when there are no hands to take”—in theory all this sounds good, but when it comes down to practice, where is my rationality, then? Okay, it was a good lesson; I’ve learned a lot. Here is what has happened:
She’s been working from 10 to 12 hours a day this week. Every day! She’s always tired and she constantly complains about it. I can’t endure seeing her that way, and I can’t do anything to help her. I also can’t use “active listening” and just repeat after her that “everything is bad” all the time. I can’t help myself from saying occasionally that she’d better work less, but it leads to her taking more lessons and working more. She earns over 100, 000 rubs per month; and it’s not enough! And it’ll probably never be. And here I am talking about money and idiots who sell their best years to other idiots to buy shit they don’t need.
In the morning, I wanted to get out as fast as possible, but she meowed like a cat, I must say as the most miserable cat, and I got held up. Then she started “everything is bad.” I told her about changing habits and doing gymnastics after waking up instead of sitting in the bath (I didn’t say, “with your damn foolphone” but should have said that). I also mention different moods or attitudes toward “tiredness.” Then she said that she was working to move out of this place and added that it was what she really wanted, but she also said that it was not what I wanted. It was true. After I left her, I came home and sent her a couple of videos about complaining, and how it affects the human brain. She replied that she won’t watch it and then wrote this:
«В моей ситуации мне с тобой тяжелее, чем без тебя. Ты не понимаешь моей усталости от в среднем 10 уроков в день без выходных, ты не понимаешь, зачем это нужно. Ты не ценишь то, что я делаю, и не помогаешь мне в этом. А потом будешь жить возле моря в доме, для которого я сейчас работаю больше, чем могла бы работать без усталости, и даже не с благодарностью, а в духе «ну мне то это и не нужно было». То, что я делаю, ты обесцениваешь и раздаешь мне советы, не имеющие отношения к ситуации как она есть. Я не подозреваю тебя в неискренности, полагаю, для тебя это действительно все ничего не стоит, тебе ничего не нужно, ты ни к чему не привязан. Молодец. Но мне с тобой рядом по итогу сложнее. С тобой рядом будучи усталой я получаю порцию непонимания и обесценивания. Мне лучше быть усталой с самой собой или с людьми, которые могут меня понять и поддержать. В такой ситуации я не готова тратить силы еще и на то, чтобы отстаивать свое право не быть похожей на тебя и хотеть того, что хочу я, и не считаться от этого каким-то недоразвитым человеком, мне эти споры не нужны, я своей дорогой пойду. Полагаю, тебе тоже лучше идти своей дорогой, смотреть свои умные видео, читать книжки и быть счастливым. Я к этому всему никакого отношения не имею».
Well done. And this is after 110 days of being together. Now, it’s important to think about my current activity. Should I continue working on my “business”? I guess, I can cut off this $10, 000 per year idea as an essential part of my motivation and focus on making really valuable content, even though its value wouldn’t be appreciated by my contemporaries. I must turn into someone like Schopenhauer, in terms of thinking about posterity, not about these self-centered consumers who see nothing outside of the limits laid out by their shopkeeper’s vision of the future. It’s like, what? You’ve met one “real” human being in your life, and a house nearby the sea is still more preferable than building a meaningful relationship with him? Of course, you may ask, why not having both? Well, I wish you’ll figure that out in the next decade.

11:50am.
Now, what am I gonna do? Let’s define my “mission”. I wanna encourage folks to think. Why? I love to think, and I find in thinking invaluable experience I wanna share with others. Thinking = creativity = freedom = happiness. For there are folks who confuse thinking with “chatter in the scull, perpetual and compulsive repetition of words and all sorts of things like that which occur exactly due to the lack of thinking. If what I’m doing is gonna help them learn to think, it’s gonna be enough for me. At least for this strange moment in my life, chasing this ghost makes perfect sense.

4:14pm.
Don’t feel strong enough to do any work. She called a few hours ago and asked when I was supposed to come for my stuff. We arranged it at 5pm. So far, I’ve been watching some random videos, lying in bed and thinking. I had an idea to add something to the video I “finished” working on yesterday. Something like, “Well, if you’re still watching, here is my real intention. I don’t give a fuck about what you think, and the probability is very high that you’re not welcome as a subscriber. This is my personal channel, and I talk here about things which might not please you. I know that I’m stupid and arrogant in many ways, so what I’m trying to do here is fixing that. I make a fool of myself in order to be wise in real life, whereas you probably do exactly the opposite.”

8:22pm.
I can’t leave her. I can’t let go. When I came to her for my stuff, it was obvious that she wanted me to stay. She was so cute and smiled all the time. We had a short talk; after that, she broke into tears; I embraced her and we decided to stay together. Well, let’s put $10, 000 back into the equation and continue to work as if nothing happened.
Here are some problems I can work on:
People are obsessed with money.
People underestimate the power of knowledge.
Filter bubbles and ideologies.
No self-reflection.
Blaming others or circumstances for all “bad” things.
Misunderstanding of culture.
Slave morality and false humbleness.

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